Wednesday February 10, 2010

Little Red bird...or are you a cardinal? I was digging through the ga-gillion pictures on my computer and external hard drive. This little bird was just there... and I decided to use him for today.
Not sure why-?
Red- It is February.
February is Valentine's...
Hummmm? I guess I am pushing it?
I know---
It is because of my mood-
my 'moody' mood today AND yesterday.
I haven't felt all that great actually.
Sinus head-ache yesterday was painful.

I just haven't felt myself. SO much is on my mind and my heart. I can't explain it-shake it or fix it. Because that what I am! a FIXER...
When I can't fix something- I get frustrated and defeated.
As I pressed through the afternoon yesterday I began to think of WHY I am feeling so down.
This list starting popping into my head.

All of these things that are bothering me! What can I do to make them NOT bother me or change them? SO here it goes...

One of the biggest frustrations is the house.
The hellish laundry issue! IT is never done, or even in the process of feeling caught up.
Major stress there.

The BOYS!
Getting to bed-getting up-homework-chores( or the lack there of!!!) Attitudes-tardiness to school... ( shall I continue!?!) Ungratefulness, lunches, dinners, all meal times.--their health, their 'social' issues... Are they even seeing all that Tre' and I do for them?... What about what Granmomma does for them? Do they see that too?
I am SICK of the stress of worrying about Avery and his head-ache issues. Is he going to have one today? Will he have one of those devil-ish fits? It has certainly given me a bad vibe with him.
IT HAS TO CHANGE!

Teaching/working
My student load at home is manageable. I still feel tons of stress when the house is a mess when parents come in... I hate living like that worrying that people judge me by the way the house looks. I can't let go of the image thing when it comes to the living space. I have in my head that it should look like a magazine lay-out ALL DAY... everyday! AND if it can't look like that... well why should I try? IT is just overwhelming...
The load at CCS is over-booked... some of that isn't my fault! I can't get parents to do their job and send books as expected... but that is the nature of it I suppose.
My lesson plans are out of whack-which creates a lot of stress trying to help those struggling with certain concepts. It is just this catch 22 all of the time.

I can't focus on one issue to help the next issue so round and round I go in a circle that only pulls me down and makes me sad... depressed ... and defeated.

I have in my head that next week during the break I will find this miraculous amount of energy to tackle it all.
Clean out my room... ( ha... my room! What about Hayden's and Teyler's and AVERY's!!!! the basement... the garage....)
It all needs to be done... NOt to mention my van! (OMG!!!)
I just know where to get this energy...? I want to just slip away to sunny patch on a patio somewhere and just close my eyes. Sleep-sit...and sleep some more...
That is bad- huh?
It is honest at least...

I have these expectations of myself- and I am NEVER can live up them. I realize and KNOW that they are unrealistic... AND I KNOW I can't be everything to everyone. I KNOW in my heart all I have to be is a child of God. He loves me despite my chaos and confusion. Being STILL and listening to his call is WAY more important than getting the dishes and laundry in tip top shape...
BUT! how do I get a clean slate...?
How can I find some peace in all of this?
What can I do to fix the issues with the boys?
That is big question..
????
The big fat question that I have to answer....
or at least come up with a plan...
so- to deal with it all guess what I will do?
I am searching the internet looking for a Valentine craft to do with the Avery's class tomorrow...
sounds like a plan... huh?
angie